I'm putting it together...

"And maybe, just maybe, her heart needed to be broken. Broken and shattered and stomped into pieces. Then she could finally look down at the pieces, study each one and spend some time getting to know the person she’d become. And when she finally had all the pieces back together again, a little crooked, a little jumbled but sealed firmly with love, she’d realize she was more beautiful than ever.Because this time, she would love herself."

-heartwarming

A relationship is a puppy, not a houseplant: it needs daily, not weekly, care.

Listen to this song above- then read on.

How I would catch you smiling at the silhouette of my hand, the softness of my collarbone, the way I jump over puddles or into them. How my body moves so gracefully to pick out books from the library and so clumsily over even completely flat surfaces. Bemused at how a beam of sunlight caught on my face, can light up my whole day. The way my lips meet yours and you'd put your hand on my lower back and breathe in the moment. Admiring the way I dress up for a night out and I see it in your face that you find me lovely and a mixture of pride and tenderness will cross your face. That you adore I will always bury my head in your chest during scary parts of a movie, don't think I can't feel you chuckling at me. How you would catch the way I look at our hands as I enjoy your fingers laced with mine and how I my head fits so perfectly into the crook of your neck. How I will be always late to meet you but somehow I'd see you felt it was worth the wait.


You like many others can claim that you want to be with me, but when I'm yours, you will forget me. You will fight at the idea of my being without you though, and yet you can't see me when you have me. You will treat me as though I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, a new puppy that causes you endless laughter just tripping over a step and all you want to do is cuddle me and make me happy and get me excited and show me new things.

Eventually  there will come the time where I will have to beg for you to take me for a walk, to go for a coffee, to remember that my skin is soft, to appreciate what you once were so startled by. Remember all those fun things we used to do, you used to talk to me and listen to me and do whatever you could to make me smile? Remember how excited we were just to have an afternoon together, to have just a conversation together.

I will have to swallow that at some point it will become normal for you, that I'll have a half hopeful wagging tail in my voice, wondering when was the last time we ate dinner together? When was the last time we enjoyed an adventure? Will you talk to me today? Really talk to me, not about your job, about the weather, about bullshit and drama. But about dreams, and plans, inspiration and knowledge, Be excited again. Turquoise, Magenta, and Fushia stuff not just blue and purple. If you don't understand what I mean- Give up now. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

After a while you will just try to get me to hurry up because now "We're late", you're stressed, it's cold, you're tired etc. The beauty of what you saw in me and what I saw in you will get lost in the shadow behind your closed eyes. I will watch you stop noticing the little things, as things become everyday to you. Entitlement will have you settling in where it used to light up your eyes light like the fireworks on the Fourth of July. I'll still notice your profile when I peek at you from the corner of my eye while you vacantly watch t.v. I'll still remember that rush I feel when you trace your fingers over my shoulder, but you don't do that anymore do you? I'll reach out to you, for two minutes of your time, 10 minutes, 30 minutes- Because I love you, and you love me, right? Don't you have anything left to say to me. Don't you see me here? Then you are surprised when I'm not thrilled about going to bed with you at the end of your long day. But you're tired and you've had a long day and you're sorry you didn't have time for me today, hard day at work, feeling sick, stressed about family etc etc..   (Reading this I'm ashamed that I even do this- how I allow myself to reach out to someone who see's me as such a fixture in their life that I no longer am worth such small scraps of their attention and yet it is their right to my body.)

Soon I will notice that I get more positive attention from people who don't even know me, have never met me, have never heard me speak, have never felt my love or something as simple and soothing as their hand in mine. A lady at the grocery store pulling me aside and telling me I have the most lovely skin and I don't need those silly magazines. A fellow asking me why I am always alone at this swing set at the park, surely someone as beautiful as me has a man who wants to swing with her. A gentlemen I met in a bookstore stating I have a contagious smile with grin on his own face in return. That my friends whom I give up my time with for you still laugh with me and share their lives fully with me regardless of their long days. And they don't even get to sleep with me!

I will think that I have to leave you, that I will miss your smile but I miss mine more. Will you still remember that smile? I will still see that it brightens up everyone's face but yours now although it's still shined in your direction. Maybe it's something like staring too long at the sun, are you blinded?

.I am not a badge you can wear. A child you forget in the store. An unfinished ice cream that drips down the cone. A balloon you buy and then leave tied to a chair. A priceless painting collecting dust on the wall. I will not be a treasure you forget to cherish. I am irreplaceable, and belong to someone who remembers what I am worth every moment. Even if that only will ever be me.

How can you ask me to settle for less?

Is this the ending you will want in our story- Prince meets Princess- happily ever after ensues. That always sounded boring to me. More into the dark knight and a quest than the white prince and a castle. Up for our next daring journey, someone who does not forget what it is to live, and what it is to love and be loved by me

.

The trick is to know when it's fact or fiction and my only judge of that is my gut-- who more often then not now holds trial on the premise of guilty until proven innocent. There is no book of moral truth to raise your hand to- your code is that  actions will always speak louder than words. Don't worry if you do not agree or understand this.

If it gets to that point, your actions will speak so loud I won't be able to hear a word you are saying.

This is why I am single. I read enough chapters to see the obvious foreshadowing. The tell-tale signs of how we will end. I'm emotionally unavailable and cynical, by choice and yet I try desperately at times to still find that glimmer of hope. I suppose if only to see that again you, yes you, looked right past me not even seeing and that sparkle in my eye that I always had for you, had every reason to fade out.

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die. Where you invest your love, you invest your life. - Mumford and Sons