(Can we fall in love daily?)
I hope someday we're in a situation where you can prove me wrong- but more often than not I still see that is not what you want or wanted most- although it may appear via your words that you want it more sometimes, I'm still getting more feedback on the physical.
Which saddens me- because any man or woman on the planet can want that from me. They don't need to know me, don't need to care about me, to imagine my lips pressed into a kiss. They can want that from just seeing the way my hips move when I walk. I need you to value me more than that. It was never my first priority with you or with anyone, I want you to talk to me as if talking to me is all you'll ever be able to do, not waiting for the moment when your lips touch mine and you can finally achieve some form of physical satisfaction. Kiss me as though kissing is all you'll ever be allowed to do. I want to spend my days making you laugh. Making love to you is nice but I had to make a choice of one or the other I know where my priorites would lay and as much as I would hate that my fingertips were to never touch your skin again I'd miss your words more.
Perhaps this is because I am female, perhaps this is not your intent to make me think this at all, but I have our past, our present, and every other being on the planet that finds me attractive wanting that one thing from me until it's gone. Then they suffice for my words when it's clear I will not share my body with them. But they still see it as a sacrifice. But that feeling of love remains because what I can give verbally and emotionally is so much more than I could ever offer physically but no one wants just that. I have friends who accept the true me and what I can give, we love each other in and out and back again regardless of physical intimacy, I need you to love me more than that if we are to be happy together. If you had realized that my value does not lay in my body but in so much more of me, perhaps I could have given you all of me for every second of every day.
They don't realize that is the me, words, thoughts ideas, conversations, that actually means anything. That is actually worth a damn. That is what makes me different. They want my body pressed against theirs. Hip bones thrusting and hands pressed together, words whispered late into the night. They can't see it as love or a relationship without my body being theirs. Not my mind, not my heart, not my thoughts, not my love.
I could have been happy just feeling your breath on my skin as you told me of your days. Every day. All of my life. When I think about being happy with you I picture your collarbones when you hug me hello, your dimples when you laugh at my antics, the way you react differently to what I have to say than what I might expect, that sparkle in your eye when you are making me laugh. That there isn't anyone else in the world like you or even remotely close to what and who you are.
I happily wanted to spend the rest of my life getting to know you, your intricacies, your secrets, what makes you laugh, what makes you sassy, what makes your walls go up and what brings them down and so much more. That I was absolutely enamored of you. You, first and foremost wanted me, as yours, to be in your bed. It seems that if you didn't have a stake in my body, and ready access to it, it wasn't enough. It wouldn't be enough. I wasn't enough.
Does anyone else see what's wrong with this picture or is it just me.
I want someone who would never need that to love me, to be in love with me, but who would be grateful for the gift of sharing it with me as I would be in return. That conversation would be more important than flesh on flesh-- because one would lead into the other but not the other way around.
I don't care how much money you make. I don't mind that you use bar soap instead of body wash and that when meeting new people you always feel a little anxious and introverted. I care how much you'll make me laugh and how you'll always want to make sure I'm warm enough, that I'm full. I care that you'll think I'm beautiful when I cry but never ever want me to. I care what kind of person you'll be when I'm not around and that you smile at other people too just to make them smile. I care that you'll be my big spoon to my little dessert spoon and together we'll spend our days making each other smile. We'll write a story all our own that no one will believe could be real, that others could dream of in fairytales. I'll love you today and today and today and you'll love me more than yesterday but never as much as tomorrow. I'll love that you want a glass of wine when life get's too hard and you'll love that I get silent when I'm angry. I won't try to save you and you can't save me but somehow we'll save each other. Over every cup of tea, over every shuffle of autumn foliage we walk through, over the heavy boots the world gives us, and over the sky that never ends. We'll keep it from falling in.
